Watching

When Katrina descimated New Orleans I watched the aftermath unfold and paced my living room. I was tense and anxious as I watched the reports of suffering--completely helpless. I was talking to a friend on the phone and she asked me what was eating me and and I practically yelled at her, "I would strap my baby on my back and walk. I would try to find a way out, find water, find food. I would try to do something!" I was so frustrated watching people just sit in the Superdome and watch those kids cry and people live in awful conditions. But more than anything I felt so small and insignificant knowing that I was powerless to do anything. We weren't even in a position financially to give more than a few hygiene kits.

I think the reality is even more difficult when we must watch someone we love, someone who is dear to us, go through a difficult time. When we think we know what is best for them. When we think we know how much better their life would be if they made different choices. Sometimes the hardest thing is to love someone through their own failures and mistakes. Unfortunately, more than one person in my life is struggling, outside of my control, to make or find peace, to heal or even some days to just smile. I have to sit back, knowing what I know, having been where I've been, and just watch. And its so hard cuz the thing is--I've been there.

I gave a talk on hope once at church. I felt prompted to talk about my struggles with suicide and addiction and hopelessness. I shared this story and I wish so much that everyone who is suffering, everyone who has lost hope or faith in themselves or someone else could know the truth of this story. I have excerpted it here.

No matter what you do, no matter who you are you are God's child. The seed of divinity lives within you regardless of race, color, or creed. We came from the bosom of the Creator and nothing you can do on earth or in heaven can change that. I have witnessed many times the personal love the Lord has for me--and for each one of you. I took a Biology class several years ago that gave me insight into how precious we are. We had an interesting discussion in class one night about evolution. One student was particularly upset and challenged the instructor on several creation/evolution issues. I left with much on my mind. During that time in my life, I felt especially connected to the earth. I was gardening and learning about pollution and the devastating effects on the earth from our modern lifestyle. I struggled with the love I have for the earth and the difficulty it was to do much of anything without modern conveniences. It also saddened me that the earth was being treated so casually and without judgement or prudence. However, on this night in the darkness on my drive home I had a startling realization. The earth, matter, can be remade. New earths can be created. God has the capability to reshape matter to any of His purposes. He cannot (and trust me when I say I do not wish to catalog the things God cannot do but this is one thing), God cannot remake us. Part of the gift we are given is mortality and the agency to choose Him or not. He has created a bubble of personalized experience for each of us that is as unique and temporary as a snowflake. Who we are and the experiences we've had cannot be replicated. With all the feeling of a tender parent He sets us free knowing that some of us will not return. When viewed in this way, it is clear that we (human beings) are our Father in Heaven's most prized possessions. We are the jewels of the universe, more precious than galaxies, suns or moons, set on earth to glorify Him by choosing joy which the pure love of Christ--by choosing to love ourselves the way we love others.

The power of this knowledge is that nothing we ever do can destroy that value. Each spirit is unique, precious, infinitely more valuable than all the diamonds in the earth's crust. How then can we lose hope? How can we give up on ourselves when we are worth so much, when we are so loved? If you don't know how special you are, pray for eyes to see. He will show you and you will be amazed.