Insomnia!

This is a most gratuitous blog. I'm pretty much not wanting to get in bed because its likely I'll just have to get back out. I'm really tired, a little emotional and a lot overwhelmed. Its funny how school becomes this blinder. I'm able to focus on the high priorities and the rest is fluff. Without that special blinder I find it difficult to not see everything that needs doing and realize that my body is just as much of a hinderance as my mind during school. Unfortunatly, when I'm reading studying and generally using most of my brain space I don't have time to think. With my feet swollen, back hurting, numbness in my right hand driving me batty and the whole bathroom every five seconds issue, my brain is left to wander to closets not clean, dishes not done and children not played with. I soothe this guilty self pity by burying my head in books. I am studying American Literature this summer and really looking forward to immersing myself in this. It seems that the more I think on it and read about it I realize that this time period and place are special because it is a part of my heritage. I'm excited to see it unfold.

I'm also feeling a whole gamit of emotions about the arrival of Abigail. The ten minutes I will be under a drape being cut open are a source of immense anxiety for me. My yoga video talks a lot about surrender and to give your fears freedom to leave. I thought that I had been doing well, but when I think about Friday that fear returns. I don't really have a fear of the surgery, I've been through it enough times. I also have been much reassured spiritually that Abby and I will be fine. Its the moments of complete and utter helplessness and humilitation that have me bothered. I can move my head and my arms (a little) and that's it. Its like being tied down with no ability even to struggle. This captivity is what I dread the most. To not bring my children into the world in the manner that the Lord intended. To some extent, I recognize that without the blessing of surgery my babies would not be what they are today. My body would not be ok either probably and I know there is a purpose for this. I am trying to yield, to trust and to be grateful. My spiritual center is somewhat eclipsed by all of this and I am working at trying to find it again. My body is so taxed, my resources so limited that it makes it difficult to hear the small voice amoung the commotion. I spent the semester feasting at institute and every morning studying fervently words of comfort and love from the scriptures. I am finding it hard now to even get through a few verses. My attention span is not what it should be.

I have found alot of joy in small things though. My garden is a complete pit of despair but the seeds I planted in February have managed to yield. It is overgrown, buggy and difficult to work in but tonight I escaped and still found some peace. Even being out there just a few minutes is such food for my soul. Seeing the growth (even if its weeds) is healing. I love to smell the freshness of it and to see things working out there existence in really harsh conditions, it motivates me. There is way more than I can do at this point and I try to see the small things I can do as impactful, although when I pull up one thing a hundred grow in its place. I have enough peas from my 10 or so vines for one meal. It seems so meager, but it is big for me. It is a process of learning about myself and about the earth.

My children are also filling my emotional space. Wesley has become a bit of a wild child. He knows things are changing. He is quite rowdy and making a lot of messes. I'm not used to this from him. He hasn't been a tornado type child in the past and I am trying to catch up. Jared and Ayla are constantly amazing. I keep looking at them and looking at my belly and thinking about their bigness. I know logically they were once so small but I don't have the memories, not the tactile, like it was yesterday feeling that I would like. I wonder what my old age will be since I do not have a gift for the past. It is aesthetic to me but difficult to hold on to and definitly not tied to too much emotion. The present is so much more interesting.

My hands are pretty numb so I am heading off to try to sleep. Hopefully, my next blog post will contain pictures of a brand new healthy baby girl.