Mind numbing

I haven't hardly seen my family this week. I haven't finished school work and my house is...well its livable. I have had to chant to myself many times that I only have a few more weeks of this incredibly intense semester. It does not ease my guilt at not being able to be everywhere for everyone every time. I know logically that this is not possible. I know that I cannot be the perfect mother, wife, student, homemaker, sister, friend, etc etc. I know that, but I want to. I want to give to the people who give so much to me. Who love me and support me. I want to give to my children whom I miss so desperately on days like today when I was only home for one hour. This experience has been grueling. It has tested me in ways I never expected. And there are still a few more weeks. What I find everyday though is how richly I am blessed. I cannot honestly say that I have earned my GPA. It was divinely given. I have taken tests this semester in which I could not finish the material and yet I am still swimming, in a couple of classes I have A's. My husband, bless his sweet soul, has done a myriad of dishes, bedtime and other "mom" jobs while I have been off at school on the computer or deep in books. So much of my world has been in the pages of other people's lives, in studying history and language and story. This has been a blessing as well as I have seen an historic election. I don't know that I would have the feelings of acceptance and excitement I do had I not gained this knowledge. I have gained a much deeper appreciation and understanding of what it is like to be "different" in the United States. It is better than most, but it isn't perfect. I have gained a greater understanding of what my role as a mother is. Its funny how stepping outside of that I have come to crave it. I want to nourish my family in new ways and be a strength to them that I haven't been these last few months. I'm also learning how powerful my mind is to assimilate, remember and analyze. I am so grateful for my intellect. It is one of few talents that I have worked hard to cultivate and I am seeing the fruits of that effort. I am learning how powerful stories can be. And the way we tell them can change us, the writer and the reader. Going to college has been difficult to say the least but intensely rewarding. It is only a few more weeks of the semester and I will be able to relax for a little while before the final push. Tonight I'm just grateful to be. Grateful to show up and do something hard and be rewarded.