Looking back, winding down

"I shall relate events that impressed me with feelings which, from what I had been, have made me what I am." Mary Shelley, Frankenstein

I'm feeling quite nostalgic these last few weeks thinking about the events of the last four years and how they have shaped me, changed me and enriched me. I don't even know how to begin putting into words the depth of character I have gained from going to college. I'm not sure that this happens for younger people. I'm not sure that my experience would have been as profound had I not been prepared by life to enter school.

When I started this journey, I believed it was for my own edification, on a very small scale. I registered online in the fall of 2004 just after Wesley was born. I didn't even note it in my journal. I just signed up and did it. I had no real plan or ambition. I just felt like I should. I'm surprised at how that evolved. How my goals slowly took form and definition over the years. I had so many confirmations that I was doing the right thing but now looking back I feel the weight of responsibility for what the right thing is moving forward.

Being given knowledge is something I have longed for my whole life. I didn't always know where to find it. I think I was too distracted by trying to be someone, that I didn't really take the time to be myself. College has really opened that door for me.

Things I have learned about myself:

1. I am a writer. Everyone else knew this but it has taken 32 years for me to finally admit it to myself. I have a box full of insecurities that I yank out whenever I think I can write. I show them all to myself and say, "Now, Mimi, here are all the reasons this isn't going to work out." I still have the box but it isn't as full. When it comes out I look carefully at the remaining excuses and try to send at least one on its way.
2. The world is really, really, really big. This incredible bit of information has been brought to me with such force that it is sometimes overwhelming. How can God be who He is? The mind reels. He created, managed and loved so many particles of matter that I cannot imagine how my tiny portion fits into the scheme. I'm so grateful that it does.
3. My family wants me to be happy and successful. I know this seems like a no brainer but it isn't for me. I have had this idea that I didn't fit who they wanted me to be. I didn't fit a predestined mold that I couldn't seem to manage to squeeze into. Imagine my surprise when I discovered that I was the mold. I was the original and they loved it just the way it was. My crew seems to think I'm as great as I have always been. I think they are excited they I finally figured it out.
4. Suffering is one of the greatest gifts of accomplishment. There is no greatness without suffering. No success without sweat. I have come to love the feeling of working my mind around a puzzle and being so confounded (thank you Dr. Joines) that I can't sleep at night. "You must accustom your body to be the servant of your mind, and train it with toil and sweat." Xenophon, Memorabilia

These are all I'm going to cover for now. There are so many. So many blessings from learning, growing and understanding the PLAN. There is a plan and I see it in everything. From ancient Greece to American Civil Rights. There is so much elegance and order to the universe. I feel like I'm more a part of it now that my lens is bigger.