With Dread and Anticipation

My syllabus is mostly ready. My first two weeks are lesson planned and I have ordered all of my required books. It appears I am ready for the first day of school next week. However, I feel like I'm on a death march. The semester does not look promising or exciting or wonderful like it usually does. I'm enjoying home so much. I'm enjoying working on my house, eating lunch with my kids, going out with my husband and girlfriends and generally just being myself. I feel so comfortable in this role that was stifling me five years ago. Before I started school I couldn't wait to get out to escape and be free. The demands of small children felt like the most grievous demands. Now, I would rewind, go back, circle through those easy days of cuddling and diaper changing and play-doh. Its amazing how perspective can often be a wider vantage point than looking forward. I feel blessed to have had this six weeks to reflect on my life's mission, to draw my children around me and hold them and love them. Everyday that passes gets me closer to that time when my mind will be full of learning and growth but not necessarily focused on my family. That division is a strain. It pulls at me in two different directions. I hope I can finish well. I hope I can write my thesis and defend it successfully. I hope that my students will get something out of my class. I'm grateful to have had this blessing in my life, even though it has also been a trial. Facing the last semester is daunting but in the end it will be worth it.