Long days

I feel like I never have a free hand. I never have a quiet moment. These days I'm just trying to make it through the day. Its funny how I can feel this way and at the same time have so much joy in children. Wesley is so funny, Jared so intuitive and Ayla so kind and sweet. I enjoy them so much yet I feel so worn down, so tired and maybe even a little depressed. I'm surprised at this dynamic inside me that looks at things in such an interesting way. Change is something that I always thought I loved. Life is never boring, if you keep things rolling and moving and changing you never get too comfortable and there you go....good right? Now, I feel like we have had so many changes happen (not too mention the hormonal ones) and there are more to come. I said in one of my last posts that things weren't falling apart, they were just holding together and I think that's still true. However, I think I'm trying too hard to keep them that way. Some days I choose that and some days (most, truth be told) I rebel against it. I scream in my head, "I Don't Want to Be in Charge" Then I go and visit a friend whose son wants to join the Marine Corps and may not serve a mission and she says she longs for the days when her body and her time were not her own, that bigger the kid the bigger the problem. So, I'm sort of just stuck in this place of inbetween. Not so much wishing it was over, as wishing I could handle it better, do it right and not worry so much about if everything was going to work out alright.

Part of my issue is that I put Ayla back in school today. The thought of taking her tomorrow is heartwrenching. I will not have her to myself, she will not belong only to me and I cannot monopolize all her time. However, after much soul searching I have concluded my cape is not as powerful as I thought. I am not very capable at doing two different grade levels. If this were gonig to be a long term situation then I would stick it out and learn the skills, however, this is temporary. So, I'm am letting her go. I feel exhilerated and sick at the same time. Kind of like on the tilt-a-whirl. You know you are going to hurl but you are so giddy you don't want to get off. Trusting my instincts has become an important mantra for me.